single on valentine's day

It’s Valentine’s Day.

Thank GOD I’m single. You too? I know, it’s so much better.

No disappointment when the significant other fails to provide any evidence that they think about you when you’re not standing in front of them. No comparing what your S.O. did to what your friends’ S.O.’s did and wondering if you couldn’t do better. No struggling to think of something glorious and special and original to do for the S.O., only to discover that every idea it’s possible to have has already been had and you’re doomed to reproducing something from a movie. No awkward “Is it too early in our relationship to do Valentine’s Day?” No comparing this year to last year or this valentine to the last one or yourself to anything. No nauseating others with your goopy, soppy public displays of affection. Cripes.

So this is what you do, okay, my formula for the Best. Valentine’s Day. Ever.: get yourself to the nearest Lush or similar and get a bath bomb, bath melt, or bubble bath. While shopping, also buy a large Dairy Milk (not crappy old Valentine’s candy, no matter how on sale) and, say, an imperial pint of Samuel Smith Nut Brown Ale. Rent a movie – NOT a romance, fer cryin’ out loud. Get a Monty Python movie you can recite by heart or “Children of the Corn” or anything but a romance. Get “Walk Hard: the Dewey Cox story.” That shit is funny.

When you get home, have a two-hour soak in a Lush-ified bath, eating the chocolate and drinking the beer and maybe rereading a favorite novel or listening to “This American Life.”

(Don’t wash your hair or shave your legs; it’s not that kind of bath.)

When you get out, slather your entire body with the oil, cream, or lotion of your choice. Notice how fabulous you are.

Next, order a pizza for delivery. While you’re waiting for it, climb into bed and have a lovely masturbation session, with fantasies of many, many beautiful bodies all at your service, all utterly enraptured by you and only you. Come BIG.

Meet the pizza guy at the door with sticky fingers, trembling thighs, and a crooked smile.

Eat your pizza. Watch your movie. Call your sister or mom or BFFL or whoever won’t ask you when you’re going to meet someone and settle down.

You may want to add friends to the pizza/movie portion of the evening, or to the bath/masturbation portion, or possibly both; that’s cool too.

The important thing is that you go to bed happy and relaxed and really pleased that you’re living well without wasting energy on a mediocre relationship just for the sake of being with someone, anyone.

Well done!