as seen on TV

I don’t own a TV.

I don’t say that self-righteously – I’m hardly a TV ascetic. My sister DVR’s a few shows for me; lately it’s So You Think You Can Dance (we skip through the commercials, the judging, and the behind the scenes, and just watch the dancing), Mad Men, Dr Who, and Good Eats (I hate to cook, but I sure do love food science). Every few weeks I take my dog and my laundry to Connecticut and veg out with my sister’s 52 hot inches of HDTV.

On the rare occasion when I see sex on mainstream, network TV, it bears so little resemblance to what I know about sex that I’m just… puzzled. Bewildered.

Folks who are steeped in Desperate Housewives, Grey’s Anatomy, or whatever else the kids are watching these days, god, they must be TERRIBLY confused about what sex is and how it works. They must feel, indeed, quite dysfunctional.

Stuff like this:

Don’t get me wrong: I think that’s pretty hot. Women want to be wanted (who doesn’t?), and god knows sex can be great stress relief.

But just so ya know, in real life anxiety flatlines sexual interest for 80% of people; depression flatlines it for 90% of people. If a woman had ACTUALLY had the day she’s describing, she would almost certainly not be 4 seconds from “heck yeah, sex is JUST what I need!”

Even with Patrick Dempsey stripping off and ordering you into the shower, that’s not what it’s like for most women.

Real life? Patrick Dempsey ordering a pizza and running you a bath while you watch Pride and Prejudice (the BBC/A&E 1995 version of course, not that APPALLING heresy with Keira Knightley), bringing the pizza to you (along with a half-bot of wine) in the bath, THEN stripping off and providing a full-body massage in advance of highly skilled cunnilingus, followed, if you like, by intercourse in a variety of clitoris-stimulating positions. That’s more likely to do the job.

See, there’s a lot of steps between “You would not believe the day I had” and “Thank you.” It’s that whole brakes/gas thing I talk about. You have to turn off the “offs” as well as turn on the “ons.”

Just, ya know, FYI. In case you’re planning to seduce someone who had a bad day. Which I do highly recommend.