You know what no man has ever asked me?
No man has EVER asked me how to be better at penile-vaginal intercourse.
People do ask me all the time how to make sure a woman has an orgasm during intercourse, and I talk about positions and vibrators and maybe not sweating lack of orgasm with intercourse. Fine. Nice. Good. But a woman’s orgasm with intercourse is really more about her plumbing than it is about his technique.
Why, my dears, does no one ask how to be superb at intercourse in and of itself, without worrying about orgasm? Guys, all of you out there with penises who like putting those penises in a vagina: don’t you want her to adore having you inside her? Don’t you want to miss you when you’re not there? Don’t you want her to be just a little bit addicted to your dick? Don’t you?
Maybe you don’t realize that it’s possible to be better or worse at it.
Well, it is. It is possible to be bad or mediocre at intercourse, and it’s possible to be superb at it. Regardless of the measurements of your penis.
Well I’ve been thinking about it and it’s clear to me now that the worst intercourse is that which incuriously pursues your own pleasure without trying something a bit different to see if your partner maybe prefers that. That will typically be the straight in-out at a steady but gradually accelerating rhythm, until you’re jackrabbiting into the vagina, utterly oblivious to the REST of your partner’s body, and bam.
Half the women reading this are now nodding in sympathetic memory.
Good intercourse requires much the same skill used to achieve simultaneous orgasm. Control and attention. And a large and fluent repertoire of techniques.
Control. Teach yourself to maintain a high level of arousal without ejaculating. If you can stay pretty darn aroused for half an hour, that’s a good start. An hour is better.
You can increase your control by practicing the stop-start technique – get aroused, let your arousal diminish, increase again, diminish again… it’s like a technique you use to train yourself to have an hour-long orgasm.
Control is important because in order to be excellent at intercourse, you have to be able to manage your own arousal easily, so that you can focus most of your attention on your partner.
Attention. The quality of the attention you pay to your partner directly relates to the quality of the sex you share. That’s why I wrote the post about how to tell if she’s faking – because it requires paying loving attention to her arousal. Go read that post for details about what to pay attention to. Here I’ll just summarize by saying: breath, muscle tension, facial expression.
Pay attention. Try different things and pay attention to how her whole body responds to it.
Technique. Speed. Rhythm. Depth. Angle of penetration. These are the building blocks of the penetration repertoire. Because every vagina is different, and every vagina changes a lot, I can’t say, “here’s what to do.” I can only say, “Here’s what to try, and PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR PARTNER.”
Very broadly speaking, you’ll tend to want to start slow and get faster, but that’s far from being a (pardon the pun) hard and fast rule. Slow is something too few men try.
Rhythm… look, the steady in-out just isn’t enough. If she’s orgasmic with penetration, that’ll be useful when she’s approaching climax. But try widely varying your thrusting so that there’s no reliable rhythm. It may interest you to know that some of the highest end vibrators have a “random” setting so that she never quite knows what she’s going to get. A few slow strokes, some sudden fast strokes, a tender, slow slow slow slow thrust… No rhythm. Watch her face, feel the tension in her body. It is more than okay to try to make her a little cross-eyed with lust.
Or: try maybe just a few strokes – 4 or 5 – in one position, change positions (by which I mean pull out all the way, turn her over or whatever) and do a few more strokes, change positions again, a few more strokes. And keep paying attention to her. The idea is to make her feel wanted in every way and slightly controlled. Needless to say, an environment of great trust and affection is required to make this work.
Depth becomes a variable once she’s very, very, very aroused. The outer 1⁄3 of the vagina is the only part that’s particularly sensitive; the rest of the vagina really doesn’t have much sensation. However, when a woman is highly aroused, deep penetration provides stimulation around the cervix. With high levels of arousal some women enjoy it when their partner bumps into their cervix, others find it painful.
The way to increase a woman’s pleasure with intercourse is to add stimulation of the clitoris; I think the most unobstrusive way to do that by changing the angle of penetration. Tilt your hips up (if you’re over her) so that your pubic bone presses against hers. That way, when you thrust, you’re rocking against her clit. Which, let’s be clear, will feel good for her. It’ll give you more shallow penetration. Suck it up, my friend. Because the vagina doesn’t much notice penetration beyond the outer third (see above), depth matters less than angle.
Because you’ll be paying attention to your partner, I don’t need to tell you where the g-spot is (*cough* anterior wall of the vagina *cough*); you’ll find it easily enough because you’ll try different angles of penetration and discover what she likes best. (Not all women are particularly wired for g-spot stimulation.)
A few other things:
- Globally speaking, women like whole-body contact.
- It’s nice that you like to look at her, but lots of women would rather be held than looked at.
- Also, kissing during intercourse is not only permitted but encouraged. Slow, soft, attentive kissing as well as
- And be sure to pay attention to her whole body, not just her vagina. Her vagina can’t tell you whether or not she likes it; lubrication is not a reliable indicator of arousal.
To conclude: Every vagina is different, and every vagina is different each time you enter it. Buddha tells us you never step into the same river twice; well, you never penetrate the same vagina twice. Over time, you learn the moods of a vagina. It is not simple; it’s sensitive to environmental conditions, sometimes it’s temperamental. Have I mentioned that you have to pay attention?
Not all women are into intercourse or ever will be. But if you’ve got a partner who digs fucking, really, invest some effort into being excellent at it. I hope this is helpful in that endeavor.