confidence and joy

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Um, and again.

In fact I DID say it again, at Babeland on Sunday night:

Confidence and Joy.

Would you like to be better at sex than anyone else your partner has ever been with? Well certainly you don’t want to be WORSE, eh? So what specifically makes the difference between being… just okay at sex and being… EXTRAORDINARY?

Answer: Confidence. And joy.

Confidence comes from liking your body and yourself and being able to tell what your partner is experiencing. (I’ve talked about that here and here.)

Joy comes from letting go of the cultural backwash around sex, the “shoulds” and the “mustn’ts” and the shame and the guilt and the Cosmo-style pressure to perform and instead embrace the sticky, lumpy, aromatic reality of juxtaposing your naked, fluid-pumping body with your partner’s. (I’ve talked about that here and here and here.)

To be truly spectacular at oral sex, you have to LOVE putting your partner’s genitals in your mouth. You have to love how they taste, how they smell, how they feel in your hand and against your lips and tongue. It has to be a pleasure, a delight – a joy. And of course it can only be a delight, a pleasure, and a joy if you’re not bogged down by worry about whether or not you’re doing it right. Hence confidence.

And if you don’t love it, if it’s not a delight, don’t do it. It’s not required, not by any means. It’s entirely voluntary and optional. Have you seen Ratatouille? The critic Anton Ego sums it up nicely:

“If I don’t love it, I don’t swallow.”


(And how delish is Peter O’Toole?)

Of course Anton Ego learns and delivers the moral of the story:

“Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere.”

Can everyone be GREAT at fellatio? I don’t know; it takes sensitivity to your partner’s body, creativity and adaptability, a large toolkit of skills, loads of practice… and of course confidence and joy. And to a large degree, all of these can be cultivated.

To an even larger degree, the success of your oral sex derives from nothing inherent in you but from the CONNECTION between you and your partner.

Confidence and joy, I believe, open up a person’s senses and spirit to a more profound connection with their partner. Bringing your full attention and personhood to sex, which is what the confidence and joy are really about, expands the potential for sex to deepen, go beyond physical pleasure and integrate multiple levels of experience. When you interact with your partner’s body as the physical manifestation of the human you love and respect and appreciate, how can you fail to be superb at sex?

Confidence, you see? And joy.