the secret ingredient

So it’s the blog’s anniversary!

A year, man. 269 posts – which is about 3 posts every 4 days. And to what end?

Well for one thing, writing the blog is teaching me, slowly and effortfully, how to spear like a laser through the tumult and the melodrama of sexuality in modern western culture, to create a pinpoint of clarity and communion that will give readers at least a moment, a breath or two, of balance inside their own sexuality. Each post is an effort to create that experience for the reader.

Is that what you get from reading it? Is it even what you want? Well.

I’ve learned in the last year that mostly what people are actively interested in is sex tips. In the way a person might browse for a new recipe to add variety to the nightly ritual of making dinner, it turns out that most of what people are explicitly looking for in re sex is tips, tricks, and strategies for being a better lover.

But that’s only what they want EXPLICITLY. What people want IMPLICITLY is assurance that they are normal, healthy, adequate. We in America spend a lot of time attending to messages about what our sexuality is SUPPOSED to be like and very little time listening to our bodies, which tell us what our sexuality is ACTUALLY like. People are made unhappy when “supposed to” conflicts with “actually,” and they’re readily persuaded that they’re broken. (They’re usually not broken.) And what people find most nourishing on a blog like this is, I think, hearing that what they’ve been told is “broken” is really fine.

To elaborate on my dinner recipe metaphor, they come looking for recipes and – I hope – they walk away with a glimpse at the secret ingredient.


What’s the secret ingredient?

Par for the sex nerd course, it can be summed up in a Youtube clip of cartoon animals:

“There is no secret ingredient.”

It’s just you.

So. For the record: Yes, you are normal. Your sexuality is SUPPOSED to be… just the way it is. Your body is beautiful and your desires are perfectly okay. Nothing is wrong with your sexuality apart from the persistent belief that there is something wrong, either with you or with someone else. And the closer you can get to letting go of the fear that something somewhere is broken, the better your sex life will be. The secret ingredient is you.

Listen my dears, the gap between what science knows about sexuality – especially women’s sexuality – and what the mainstream public and media believe about it is a vast, hollow canyon. Almost everything the general public believes about women’s sexuality is wrongheaded and destructive.

I want to help close that gap, and that requires disseminating knowledge. That’s important. But more than that, I want to close the attitude gap – not only because a different, more sex positive attitude is necessary in order to pursue and understand the science, but because a different, more sex positive attitude will make the world a better place, at every level of analysis.

In other words, you’ll have better orgasms if you don’t think there’s something wrong with you, your partner, or anyone else.

Try it out. Be THE big fat panda. Skadoosh.