No One Will Ever Love You

Apparently this is what happens when you start sending email to your favorite sandwich. Gmail wants you to be afraid. Yesterday it was this:

Why Men Lose Attraction
10 Dangerous Mistakes Women Make That Ruin A Potential Relationship



People have emailed and commented and tweeted me about these ads, so I know there are lots of you seeing these. To save you the nausea of clicking on the link, I found out what the 10 Mistakes are. Here ya go:

MISTAKE #1: Betting Your Love Life On His “Potential”. So okay, so this isn’t untrue; it isn’t a gendered thing, but whatever – people sometimes view potential partners are projects, fixer-uppers, when really they ought to be respected and cared for just as they are. Fair enough.

MISTAKE #2: Assuming You “Get” Men & Their Psychology Men are different from women [sic]. Well. Men and women are different – their bodies are different in important ways, they’re trained from birth to follow different social rules, yeah they’re different. And it can be difficult to understand the world from a point of view so different from your own, so okay. God knows there are plenty of men who look at the world of women and feel mystified. Sure. Okay.

MISTAKE #3: Pretending To Be Something For A Man. Genuineness is one of Carl Rogers’s Core Conditions. But wait, when you read the description of that mistake, it turns out that’s not actually what he’s talking about here. He’s talking about how doing stuff to flatter a guy – for example, having sex with him – lowers your value in his eyes because of supply and demand: if you are available, he won’t want you, and if you seem unavailable, he will want you. No, we’re not talking about genuineness here, we’re talking about Which Game to Play. Viz., Don’t want him too much.

MISTAKE #4: Sharing How You “Feel” Too Early With Him. Okay see, now we’re getting the stuff that just pisses me off. Can I ask why “feel” is in “quotation marks,” like feelings are a euphamism for something else? In fact when you read the explanation, it turns out that “feelings” are a euphamism for “neediness.” When you talk about how you “feel,” he experiences that as “clinging.” It makes him feel like he’s in a relationship or something, I think.

MISTAKE #5: Misreading The Important “Signals” That Men Send, and no he doesn’t tell you what those signals are. You have to sign up to find that out. SOMEONE has to pay for all those google ads, and it might as well be you, since you’re the one suffering from men’s inability to use words instead of signals.

MISTAKE #6: Relying On Your Natural Ability To Judge A Man’s Character. Men are sending signals, we are told (again). And you might think you know what they mean, but you don’t. Because you’re a woman. And no, we are not told what the signals are because, again, someone needs to pay for the google ads.

MISTAKE #7: Expecting A Relationship To Make You Happy. This is another “don’t be too clingy and dependent” thing. You can’t expect a man to take care of you.

MISTAKE #8: Trying To “Convince” Him To Like You Or Love You. This one at least he concedes that both men and women do.

MISTAKE #9: Not Knowing What To Do In Each Type Of Situation – and I swear to god this is how this section ends: “If you don’t know what to do in each situation, you’ll probably screw it up… and LOSE EVERYTHING.”

EVERYTHING. Your house. Your job. Your dog. They’ll rescind your degree. Your family will disown you.

E V E R Y T H I N G.

MISTAKE #10: Not Getting Help. From a man. Obviously. So that he can pay for his google ads.

Right, so there you have it. What you’re doing wrong. You want him too much, you’re too available, you’re too interested, and you’re misreading his “signals.” Because adult humans communicate through “signals,” rather than language.


I confess my strongest reaction to all this is, “I give WAY better relationship advice. I should post manipulative, fear-based google ads and inveigle money out of people for my far superior (not to mention genuinely expert) advice.”

I don’t mean it, though. The audience for those ads is not the audience I want; I want the people who can recognize the misogyny in such advice without even having to click the link. Those folks – YOU folks – have all the same fears of being alone forever, but you can recognize bullshit. The 10 Mistakes are for people who drink Bud Light and like it. My relationship advice – of which I’ll be giving more over the coming days and weeks, since it’s coming up so often – is for people who drink stout, IPA, and nut brown ales.

Now I want a beer at 11am, which is bad, particularly as I happen to be on antibiotics.