the truth about the toilet seat

As you may know, this year I married my romantic euphemism, who happens to be a boytype penis-haver. Being a girltype vagina-haver, I wondered if living with him on a permanent basis would teach me anything in particular about the nature of gender dynamics in domestic partnerships.

And after just two months, it has. Last night it did.

I’ve always been sympathetic to the argument that if two people with different genitals share a house, then the toilet seat can be in whatever position it finds itself; after all, it’s no more MY toilet seat than HIS, so why foist my toilet seat agenda on him? By what privilege could I insist that MY desired toilet seat position is THE toilet seat position? I’m no toilet behavior oppressor!

But I failed to take into account the importance of genitals and the gendered behavior of peeing.

See, many (though not all) people with penises pee standing up, with the toilet seat up. And many (though not all) people with vaginas pee sitting down on the seat.

Now say it’s 3am, and say the boytype gets up to pee in the middle of the night, and discovers in his half asleep state that the toilet seat is down. What will happen? He’ll probably get some pee on the lid. Hm. Sterile fluid on the plastic lid, uh oh.

And now say it’s 3am and the girltype gets up to pee. At what point will she discover, in her half asleep state, that that toilet seat was, in violation of her sleepy expectations, up?

Why, when her entire ass is already in the toilet. That’s when.

A whole new meaning to the phrase “wee hours of the night.”

From my point of view, the girltype’s situation is unambiguously WORSE than the boytype’s. By a wide margin.

So I’m now an advocate of toilet-seat-down, if only last thing at night. And I call on all the standing-up peers to have sympathy for the sitting-down peers and put the seat down. Save us a midnight pooter soaking. Thank you.