if you were a woman who loved sex...

In the Desire chapter, I discuss the importance of IDENTITY in creating a context that facilitates sexual desire. The research tells us that when a behavior change is not just something you DO but rather an integral part of who you ARE, you are more likely to make and sustain change.

In this case, identifying as “a woman who loves sex” or as “a sexy hot erotic woman who is curious and playful about sex” contributes to a context that allows a woman to turn off the “offs” – that is, to eliminate all the barriers to having great sex.*

But that’s different for every woman, right?

So I’m looking for more voices to help me see a fuller range of possibility here. In the comments, if you please, complete the following sentence:

“If I were a sexy hot erotic woman who is curious and playful about sex…”

You might describe how you would deal with barriers to sex, like not having the time or energy for sex, relationship or trust issues that interfere with sex, or self-criticism/body image issues that impede sexual pleasure.

You might describe how you would initiate sex or respond to the initiation of your partner.

You might describe how you notice sexual cues, the kinds of thoughts you have about sex, or other cognitive/attentional parts of your erotic experience.

You might describe how you feel about your own and/or your partner’s sexual arousal, desire, and orgasm, or how you feel about giving or receiving pleasure.

You might describe how you would manage the cultural shaming that some people would try to impose on you for being empowered and in control of your own body.

I’m interested in all the different kinds of internal experience that can go with the identity of “woman who loves sex.” Whatever comes to mind for you when you think, “If I were a woman who loved sex…” I want to hear!


Not every woman is or wants to be a woman who loves sex. In the scheme of survival, sex is a low priority, so if you’re stressed, depressed, anxious, lonely, enraged, or simply overwhelmed and exhausted, the entire idea of loving sex may be foreign and unwelcome. THAT’S COOL TOO. In that case, creating space for NOT wanting sex is a crucial first step in creating space for wanting sex!